Shock Value

 

So there I was thinking I was moving along through this grieving process quite smoothly despite all the conflicting feelings.  I was able to be out in the world, slap a smile on my face and go through the motions of appearing like a normal human being.  All systems functioning as they should be.

 

 

And then I woke up in the middle of the night last night to some sort of suffocating darkness and pain.  It was a serious kick in the pants and that let me know that I’d foolishly thought the ‘process’ was going to happen on my terms.  I just wanted to be done.  I wanted to move on from here.  I don’t want to wander around this gray gloom.  But, the Universe has other plans it appears.

 

I’ve surrendered my control.  I’m not gonna lie this sucks all the way around.  I don’t feel much like listing off all the things I’m grateful for and this morning I actually left the bed for a split second without thanking the Universe for the opportunity to exist another day.  Yes, I’m bitter.  Yes, I’m sour.

 

I know it will all change, Life is always changing and the more we hold on to how things used to be the more we miss how things are.  Letting go is a real trick.  Letting go and not seeing a clear place to land is even trickier.  But it must be done if I want to move forward and, trust me, I so want to move forward.

 

I’ve spent days in shock.  The numbness and self-protection that shock provides is slowly giving way to reality.  I’m not sure I like this because reality means it hurts even more but I know all I can do is keep moving down this Path I’ve somehow chosen for myself.  All the anger and tears will not change a damn thing.

 

Life does go on albeit differently.

Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Shock Value

  1. Grief is a crazy thing. My mom passed away in 2008 and I am still occasionally overcome with grief and normally it’s completely out of the blue, like at the grocery store or something on TV triggers it. This morning, I watched the current episode of Parenthood and was hysterical because one of the plot lines deals with cancer and hit close to home. Most of the time though, I am just fine. Unfortunately, I think grief is less of a process and more tailored to the individual experiencing it.

    • I am sorry for your loss. Healing comes slowly, I know this. I’m not sure of the hole will ever fill completely and then I’m not sure I’d want it to. Strange isn’t it? Thank you for your comments. I wish you much Peace.

  2. oliviaobryon says:

    I wish I had words that could help. Thank you for sharing your experience so honestly. I’m sure it makes people feel less alone in their grief.

  3. We all grieve differently but it did break me down. Did I allow it or was there nothing I could do but break? I don’t know but I have moved forward. I lost my best friend/soul mate almost three years ago and another very good friend a year ago. I guess just knowing that we are all going to die sometime and that I will be with them again (hopefully) is what I hold in my heart. Much love to you hang in there.

    Thank you for listing me as a blog you follow.
    Sindy

    • Thank you for sharing. I’m hanging. It’s all I can do. All I know how to do. I love your blog so again thank you for allowing others to hear from you. For me, it helps to just know we are all connected. No one experiences Life alone, even if at times it feels that way. Much Peace to you.

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