So there I was thinking I was moving along through this grieving process quite smoothly despite all the conflicting feelings. I was able to be out in the world, slap a smile on my face and go through the motions of appearing like a normal human being. All systems functioning as they should be.
And then I woke up in the middle of the night last night to some sort of suffocating darkness and pain. It was a serious kick in the pants and that let me know that I’d foolishly thought the ‘process’ was going to happen on my terms. I just wanted to be done. I wanted to move on from here. I don’t want to wander around this gray gloom. But, the Universe has other plans it appears.
I’ve surrendered my control. I’m not gonna lie this sucks all the way around. I don’t feel much like listing off all the things I’m grateful for and this morning I actually left the bed for a split second without thanking the Universe for the opportunity to exist another day. Yes, I’m bitter. Yes, I’m sour.
I know it will all change, Life is always changing and the more we hold on to how things used to be the more we miss how things are. Letting go is a real trick. Letting go and not seeing a clear place to land is even trickier. But it must be done if I want to move forward and, trust me, I so want to move forward.
I’ve spent days in shock. The numbness and self-protection that shock provides is slowly giving way to reality. I’m not sure I like this because reality means it hurts even more but I know all I can do is keep moving down this Path I’ve somehow chosen for myself. All the anger and tears will not change a damn thing.
Life does go on albeit differently.