I find as much as I wish otherwise that sometimes I revert to my former self in terms of how I think and perceive things. Even though I know there is a much better and clearer path, there are moments when I find myself being as small and petty as I used to be.
Like old shoes, old habits come to us in the guise of something comfortable which is why, I think, it is so difficult to break them. As much as I may sound like I know what’s really going on somedays, I am still Seizing the Moments, and flying by the seat of my pants.
This means I must allow myself to be forgiven for the epic fails I make when I don’t think or behave in a way that I know is more enlightened. There are mornings, although they become fewer, when I am just tired and cranky (so not a morning person!) and in the darkness before the sun rises, someone on the road in far greater a hurry than I will cut me off and I hear myself say something so not in keeping with who I am trying to become. There are those moments I forget to breathe and remind myself that this too shall pass. Moments when I forget to find the joy in simply Being.
But, then that little niggling voice that I refer to as the Teacher, speaks up and reminds me of where I erred and what I must do in order to not go backward, and within the blink of an eye I am back on the Path.
I believe for every step we take forward on our Journey, we take several steps back. There is no easy road but holding ourselves accountable every minute what what we think and do is the key. I know I have less tolerance for my old ways and while I do believe mistakes are often tools for learning, I am sure to let Self know I am far more enlightened than whatever it was that just threw me back into the sandbox of ignorance.
Nothing good is ever easy. (insert sigh here)
But from moment to moment that I am truly in control of my thoughts and feelings and therefore my Life, makes me less and less able to shirk my responsibility to myself and the Universe.
So, yes, I do struggle with old habits just as much as the next person. If I didn’t I’d be perfect and there’s no beauty in perfection. There’s also no learning. Life, for me, is all about the lessons. Succeed or fail, it’s about walking away somehow better than before. And just the self-knowledge that I aspire to be ‘better’ some days is enough to keep me going.