Okay, look, I know this blog post will probably rub some people the wrong way, but remember, these are just the musings of one individual who sometimes gets a bit lost in the weeds while trying to find the path to enlightenment. That being said here’s my thought today…
The word selfish implies a person who is totally focused on themselves. Someone who never extends themselves to others, always thinks of themselves first and should really walk around with a mirror because they are their biggest fan…
Now, yes, I do think there may be a few things wrong about being selfish, however, if we do not love ourselves how can we expect others to do so? People who are afraid or have been hurt in their past and cannot see their way to trust a new person, will never find that relationship that lasts. This is because they do not allow themselves to be number one in their lives.
Oh, I know, people will say once you have children, or you are married, your priorities change and you are no longer the priority, but I take issue with that. If we could all get past the guilt of actually allowing ourselves to feel that we are worthy of our own respect and love, well then maybe we could actually allow others to love us.
I admit, I am selfish with my time. I know when I am overworked, when I haven’t gotten enough sleep, when I’m not at my best and if I were to pretend I was anything other than these things I would extend myself to another and it would be under false pretenses. I want to be all in, all the time. I don’t want to fake a thing. Life’s too short. So, when I agree to go out with friends, or show up at a party or even a family function, I want to really be there. I don’t want to be there out of any sense of obligation, or because someone made me feel bad if I didn’t show. I don’t want to listen to my friends with half an ear and then not remember what they said later simply because I felt bad about saying I was too tired. I know people don’t want to hear you’re too busy. After all you’re their friend, you should never be too busy to hang out, but reality is, if you want my undivided attention then you’ll deal with my annoying propensity to hibernate more often than not. Us creative types often do this and it’s not meant as disrespect to any of our loved ones.
So, I guess then, because I’ve spent a large part of my life working on myself, I may be considered a selfish Ahole. Okay (shrugs), I guess I can accept that, but that’s okay because by knowing myself, and by honoring myself, I am not some cheap imitation of myself around others. I get the guilt trips when I don’t show up at places where I’m expected but hey, rather I don’t show, than forget five minutes after I’ve spoken to you what you’ve said.
If loving myself means somehow I am doing something wrong, well, I can live with that. I couldn’t even begin to enter into any sort of relationship until I loved me. I have to find myself worthy before anyone else can. I have to believe I’m awesome before I’m going to believe it if and when anyone else decides to say so.